Of course I realize that the world does not revolve around me and that Life and Death do not take a holiday when I do. But, there is a small part of me that wants everything back home to freeze. I want no new babies to be born that I can’t help glide into the world, no girls nights out that I can’t attend, no kids growing up, or friends moving away. No people I love getting hurt or getting married, no life’s beginning, changing or ending….and yes I am completely aware of how selfish that is but it’s hard sometimes to admit that our friends and family will move on with their lives, they will grow older, get sick, have babies, move away, we will lose touch with some and grow closer to others…
When you lose those you love while your away it’s a strange thing. I can live in the fantasy that they are still back home living and breathing for oh so long and then out of no where the truth is too big to hide from. The reality hits hard. They are gone. We are far away. We will not see their smiling eyes, wagging tails or be embraced in a loving bear hug from them when we return.
The first death came unexpected our little dog Gizmo died. I felt guilty. He was the only one of the three dogs we had moved from the farm to a new place when we left. Was it fair to just up and leave the people and animals we loved….
Shortly after that I learned that a close friends husband was at the end of his battle against cancer and was dying quickly.
J called me one Friday in October and said it was time, she needed me. On Tuesday Arlo and I left. I should explain when I refer to J as my friend I really mean my family… my sister…not by blood but by fate…by divine intervention, by accident? I don’t know what to call it but I do know she’s my family. I have several woman I would consider “better” friends, woman who don’t drive me crazy, push all of my buttons, do things I can’t comprehend, but I love her and owe her so much. She has been my mentor, my advocate, my big sister she has saved me from myself countless times and always has by back even when we disagree. So for this person I knew I would fly 6000 miles. I had too.
Two days after leaving Bali I was home. As I drove up her road past the red and yellow patches of color that dotted the hillside I was over come with fear. What was I thinking? How could I help? I don’t know death. As a midwife I have felt deaths unwanted presence creep up behind me but it’s always been hidden in the shadows blown away with babies first breath…. I am aware at each birth that the doors to both life and death are open. The scales could tip and the long hand of death could pull at the tiny soul before us. Because of my “experience” I assumed I could handle this I would know what to do and how to do it… I would take charge. Was I being naïve, egotistical, stupid? I mean really how can you “take charge” of death?
But, there I was face to face with it staring it down in those big beautiful eyes, smelling it fill the room with its strong stench, hearing it rattle through his body with each breath…creeping closer everyday. I was scared but in that vulnerable state I was able to find a rhythm. For a week we laughed and cried, washed and watched, waited and prayed. He was clear for two days he tried to speak, look into our eyes, even smile. He was so brave, so ready, so strong. As were J and their son M. What grace they carried as they marched toward death together hand in hand.
In the beginning I would feel his presence. You knew when he was “in” his body but, other times you could feel his spirit hovering around the room tethered to his body like a helium balloon tied to the arm of a toddler. Bobbing up and down, floating back and forth. As the Autumn days grew shorter so did his life. Death grew impatient. D was leaving us for many hours at a time now. He floated far away…..
It’s funny because sometimes as J and I cooked and cleaned, chatted and listened, checking in on D it felt like we were at one of many births we attended together….waiting for a new life. Yet here we were watching for death. The thought of losing one of my family sends a rush of panic through my body, tears fill my eyes I push it back I pray I will not know such suffering. I watch J and M and know that they will.
I can’t sleep one night I get up and check on J and D. I’m startled by the look in D’s eyes… It scares me. J is fuzzy, I tell her to sleep, I leave the room. I see M is restless. I go back to bed it’s cold. I pull Arlo close to me. I’m shaking, I lie in the darkness for what seems like hours but the clock has only moved 15 minutes. I know the time has come, my heart races, I hold Arlo tight, I have to remind myself of who D was. He would not harm us, death has only come for one, we are safe. I go into J’s room she is standing there. Lost, waiting, confused…. Time begins to move forward again. D is dead the tether has snap, there is no “feeling” of him anywhere now. His body his empty he is gone. We wake M and together we wash and wrap D. It is quite beautiful to see him wrapped in muslin laid upon evergreens and rose petals in the pine box his son made.
There is a gathering of friends and family. A party breaks out. Stories of D, songs and cheers over the fire float up into the stars I smile as I look around D would be so pleased.
Coming back to Bali has been hard I don’t know how to process or compartmentalized what I witnessed…I’m over taken with sadness at unexpected times.. I have been in states of panic waiting for “the other shoe to drop” silly as it may sound I am somewhat superstitious and my grandma always told me death comes in threes… I can’t shake that old adage it has stayed with me these years…
As the second door closed the third one opened. Today we lost a member of our family. Our beloved dog Taco. He has been with us for 13 years. Through three moves, a winter in Idaho. Where he met the love of his life Etta, 9 months of living in a VW van, lost and found in Utah, Oregon and California, the births of Zeb and Arlo, a rattlesnake bite, full blood transfusion and many happy days romping through the woods with the boys and Montana. We will miss his waging tail, is beautiful face and his happy to be with you attitude. He was really and truly a great dog. Our best friend.
We are so grateful he and Montana were able to stay on the farm with the wonderful family renting our house. Taco died a happy old guy 105 in people years! Going home won’t be the same without him there to greet us. This is a hard lesson for the boys. Life and death go on without us. Do we go home and be back with the people we love keeping them close, just in case? Or do we stay knowing we have loved them and will continue to love them from afar. Growing and sharing our experiences with them no matter what? It feels selfish either way……
This is very moving stuff, Nikki. No wonder you were so terrified when the wave took Arlo.
life is an amazing journey, and we should not forget the difficulties inherent in losing those we love so very much. thank you for sharing this, these incredibly hard moments. and i am so sorry for your losses.
Madame Root,
LIfe moves so quickly. You could be home and miss so much. Count the blessing of having so much love for so many and we, your friends, will count the blessings of your love, strength and eloquence.
Lady J,
I miss our skypes…chat soon?
We miss Taco as well. Such a sweet boy. I do know how you feel torn between home and the rest of the world. Some how we feel helpless and out of control when life or death goes on without us. We are filled with self doubt that nags at us telling us we should have been there or here as we could have made a difference. You did make a difference with your friend. Take comfort in that and know that others are doing what you would do if you were here. No one can completely take your place but I encourage you to live life to the fullest with your boys giving them the precious gift of travel and living in different cultures and places, meeting people from all over the world. We miss you all and wish we could tag along. We are holding down the home front the best we can for your return when you and your family are ready.
Thank you Nedra you are a wise and beautiful lady.. blessed to have you in our lives:)
Nikki,
I am luckily or not (too small of a family and social circle), a bit inexperienced with death, so I soaked up your beautifully drawn with words descriptions of your emotions on the subject.
I do have the same doubts in regard to friends and family, but knowing that if I never left I would be longing for the world, I am aware that there was no option that would have excluded the second thoughts. Plus, true friends last the distance and will always be there, happy for you to be living your dreams.
Dont forget that and enjoy today, wherever that may be. Hugs
xo
Damn!! This really hit home for me….for I too think the same way somewhat as you do. Knowing death as I do from the loss of my father and then our child, this one really hit home for me!! I’m still sitting here with tears streaming down my face, as my crazy 6 year old stands next to me asking me, “Why are you crying?” and giving me hugs.
Thank You for writing this……..it was so beautiful to me!! Especially knowing whom it was about…..<3<3<3
Love you:)
We have a new friend here (check out her blog travels http://www.travelswithanineyearold.com ) She reminds Philip and I so much of you!! She is a total bad ass traveling the world with her son. Getting ready to drive motorbike across indo!!! We realized the other day you two are 10 years aprt but share the same bday:)!!!
I am cuddling with my 14 year old beagle, Lady with tears in my eyes! What a moving story! Our human and furry friends are really part of our families! Thanks you for sharing!!!!
I started this post when I returned in Nov but didn’t finish it until Taco died in Jan. but it all felt so raw I had to let it sit for awhile before i could post it… all of the kind words are like hugs from the people I love Thank you!!
Beautifully written, Nik. We, too, lost a dear friend to cancer this past December. Watching a girlfriend go through the treatment and grief of losing a husband is numbing.
I hope this experience helped you to realize one must follow their heart… Life can be short and it seems to me that yours wouldn’t be quite complete if you weren’t leaving “your mark” by traveling the world…. Nor would your heart be complete if the world weren’t leaving it’s mark on you. Savor your relationships, even if it is from afar, but continue to relish in all of the joy and excitement you are living right now!
Very much hope to see you this summer… I could listen to stories of your adventures for hours!!!
With love,
Tina